Death: The Seeker
On Sept 10, 2020, the woman that loved me with great intention...the woman that raised me...the woman that believed in me, supported me, scolded me, adored me...the woman that literally carried me throughout life in all things...the woman that I held above every single person in my life.. my mother---DIED‼️ And as I write this the tears fall but I feel that I need to say it again for those of you who need to feel the pain being written----my mother died. She died.
From the moment that they carried her from her bedroom to the moment where they laid her vessel to rest in the cemetery in Rembert, SC, I have been fighting to live. Truth is, I felt like I had died too and they just forgot to bury me.
For over a year now, literally up until a few weeks ago I've been a high functioning zombie. I've been dead inside, literally fighting for my life. I'm writing this blog because there is a deep need for those of us to recognize a few things when it comes to death. There has been deaths being announced rapidly. It's gotten to the point where that's all I see when I scroll down my Facebook timeline. I sympathize with those that have lost someone close to them, a family member, a friend. I empathize with those that have lost their parents and grandparents. I pray for those that have lost their siblings. But let's break this down cuz I need help and I know you do too.
We all know that the only thing that is guaranteed in life is death. But just because we know that doesn't mean that it feels good. It hurts so bad sometimes that we can't even figure out how to go on. Some of you may be feeling the lowest that you've ever felt but I encourage you not to give up.
The hardest thing I had to do within these last few weeks is to find courage. And yes I said the last few weeks because as I said before I have been literally drowning in depression, fighting for the will to live. But I found courage. Theodore Roosevelt said "Courage is not having the strength to go on, it's going on when you don't have the strength." You see even when I just wanted to lay in the bed and cry all day, I got up. Don't get me wrong sometimes I did allow myself to cry because grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity. The only cure for grief is to grieve. We all grieve differently but I encourage you to let it all out. Take it all in and feel it. Go thru it. Grieve but do not give into the grief.
I've attended too many funerals in the last year. My parents shook me to my core. Mom passed 9/10/2020. Dad passed 09/10/2021. What are the odds right? But let me tell you something. I don't believe in coincidences at all. I know deep in my soul that there's a divine reason why both of my parents passed on the same day exactly a year apart. I realized that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. And I cried and cried and cried because I died. Both parts of me are literally in the ground. But you know what...when seeds are planted in the ground something must grow. I've grown so much dealing with the death of my parents, especially my mom. God moved her out of the way so that I could get closer to him and no one can tell me any differently. I believe that it is the season of growth and because of that reason God is moving some very specific loved ones out of the way so that we can get closer to him.
Think about it, what's the very first thing we do when something terrible happens in our lives??!?!? Pray...run to God...What's the first thing we do when someone close to us passes away?!...Pray HARD...and ask others to do the same. But when was the last time you prayed before you needed anything??!?! If this doesn't apply to you then skip this part but if it does apply to you I challenge you to seriously reflect.
See I went to church all the time when my mom was alive. I almost stopped completely when I got married. And lord knows I only prayed when something happened. Even then I would call my mom and tell her about it so that she could pray. Now anyone who knew my mom could vouch that she was mighty woman of faith. Clara didn't just go to church, she was a member of the body of Christ. See, I would go to the club on Satuday night and then sing the roof off the church on Sunday. And please don't think that I'm condemning anyone...I am speaking of the former Kymberly Sherri Shivers. God wasn't pleased. He likes things decent in order and for us to put him first. Truth is...Clara was first in my life. Not God!!
I said all of that to say that death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. And I wasted a lot of time. Death challenges us to to do better, to be better. You see, we are all going to die. It's inevitable. The goal isn't to live forever; it's to create something that will. What will your legacy be?
Death is also a seeker and one day he will seek you/seek us. Will you be prepared when you meet? Will you receive him and go in peace? I know that it's a scary thing to think about but looking at all that's happened, all of the pain that we've endured from the loss of our loved ones, I challenge you to ponder on that question. We don't like to talk about or think about the difficult things. Are your affairs in order? Do you have life insurance? Do you have a second person named on your bank account(s)? Does your next of kin know where all of your important documents are? If not, I challenge you to discuss these things with your loved ones. It's important.
In closing, I would lome to remind you that those that we love don't go away. They walk beside us everyday--unseen, unheard, but always here. They are still loved and still missed.